Toddler Tantrums vs. Midlife Crisis Who Throws it Better?

This pay-per-view main event is free for all midlife mamas. No one in the world navigates the unique challenge of a midlife crisis with a side of terrible twos and toddler tantrums quite like you.

Fight Night: Toddler Tantrums vs. Midlife Crisis

The announcer steps to the microphone: “LAAADIES AND GENTLEMEN! Welcome to the ULTIMATE SHOWDOWN of emotional meltdowns!”

In this corner, standing 38 inches tall and coming in at a lean 29 pounds, the three-year-old toddler tantrum champion. And, in the other corner, standing 5′ 4″ (without heels) and weighing none-of-your-damn-business, a 45-year-old mother, on the verge of a midlife crisis.

The Toddler: Undefeated in grocery store showdowns, specializing in public embarrassment tactics. The Mother: veteran of sleep deprivation, master of wine-assisted crisis management.

This face-off between two emotional heavyweights, each with a flair for drama, is surely one for the history books.

Midlife Crisis Personal Coach

In the mother’s corner, her coach and best friend from childhood is here to support her today.  The coach starts brainstorming strategy: “What will you use today? Rage-applying to graduate school? Buying a Barbie dream car? Threatening a divorce you never plan to pursue? Starting and quitting ten new hobbies in two months (classic geriatric millennial move, btw)? Reorganizing the entire house while everyone sleeps?”

The mother smiles and replies: “All classics, but no, we’re going big today or we’re going home.”

“You’re using the nuclear option?”

The mother starts to stand up: “Get ready … for the full … Eat. Pray. Love.”

“But without all the cultural appropriation,” adds her coach.

Who Cries the Loudest?

As they cackle over this plan, the toddler stomps out to the middle of the ring, face flushed with fury. The child lays down on their stomach and begins to wail. Limbs thrashing the mat, the screaming grows stronger. Real tears. Big fat tears streaking down their face. Now snot streaming out of one, no, both nostrils.

Suddenly, a hush falls over the crowd as the yelling stops.

“I just wanted to… wah… wah…. WAAAH,” the toddler sobs, in a performance so raw it earns a standing ovation from the sippy-cup section. The wailing resumes at full face. The facial expression aptly called: “The Kim Kardashian Cry Face.”  (You know the one.)

“What did they say?” a spectator asks.

“Who knows? “another responds.

“This is epic. Olympic-worthy breath-holding,” says another fan.

“Truly. What caused it?” asks their companion.

“No one knows,” says the mother, rising from her corner of the ring. “Crying it out isn’t working today,” she says to her coach.

How to Survive Toddler Tantrums and Aging

Walking softly to the center of the ring, she sits near her belligerent offspring and begins speaking softly, reassuringly: I’m right here. I love you. I’m right here for you. I’ll stay right here until you need me.

With a few heavy sniffles, the child stops screaming and climbs into the mother’s lap for a hug.

The crowd erupts in applause. Mother and child stand up together, and the mother raises her kiddo’s left arm high, in victory.

No contest.

Need more? Resources and Ideas

Looking for inspiration to help you power through a midlife crisis? Or calm a hangry three-nager? At the same time? Here’s a round-up of inspiring resources I enjoy:

• Feeling stuck, spiraling, or craving a reinvention? You’re not going, and it’s not just hormones. Check out this resource on mental health at midlife – no need for a trip to Bali or a motorcycle.
• Need help decoding your toddler’s emotional weather system? Check out this resource on how to stay calm when you’d rather join them in lying face-down on the floor.
• And if you want to know more tales about my midlife mama experience, check out my tips on how to handle being called the grandma at the playground, when you’re really the mother.

Are you also using the timer on your iPhone to track how long to give the “cry it out method” before you intervene? Planning a splurgy and unique midlife crisis? Let us know in the comments.