Are You the Grandma?

(What It’s Really Like Being an Older Mom at the Playground)

“Are you the Grandma?”

That question can ruin your day, your month, or, let’s face it, your year. What do you do when a stranger, trying to make polite small talk, mistakes you for your child’s grandparent? Let’s dive into some practical parenting advice on how to handle these situations. But, first, an episode of Advanced Maternal: Playground Chronicles.

Making Friends at the Park in your 40s

The weather was perfect the day it finally happened. The sun was shining on a Saturday afternoon. A couple of clouds in the sky as I expertly grabbed the stroller, a snack pack, extra sunscreen, and water bottles. I even remembered the change of clothes and a towel, just in case my precocious preschooler decides to get off the sidelines at the splash pad. Feeling quite cute in my linen summer short set, I swiped a bold red lip stain across my lips before walking out the door, talkative offspring in tow, to the neighborhood park.

Ten minutes later, we arrived at the playground. The neighborhood park isn’t even packed yet.

That’s when I saw it.

My offspring started talking to another child.

Be cool, mom, I told myself. Breathe.

It might be happening. Yes, my kid is… making a friend! Okay. Be cool. Stay calm. As the two little ones take off for the slide, chattering away together, I heard a male voice.  

“They look like they are having fun,” he said. “I’m Johnny’s* dad. Are you The Grandma?”

Breathe. Stay calm. Oh my god. Did he just say “The Grandma”? I thought I was looking cute today. Sure, elder millennial cute, but still cute. I even put on red lipstick. Oh my god. He thinks I’m my child’s grandma and he also thinks I’m dressing too young for my age. Should I correct him or politely go along? Imagine me putting a dollar in my imaginary swear jar as I scream: What. The. Ever-loving. #$@!%

I buy some time by waving at the kids and mumbling, “They sure are having fun.”

• An awkward correction goes something like … I’m his mom, though with the lack of sleep I’m having, I probably look like his GREAT-grandmother today. Okay, that’s clever. Maybe he’ll get my sense of humor. Some mild embarrassment, unless he takes it the wrong way.
• Maybe I should just ignore it. Pretend like I didn’t hear it (oh great, then, he’ll think I’m also losing my hearing). Let’s play the odds. This is the first time my child has expressed any interest in another playmate. The chances that I’ll ever see Johnny* or his dad again are pretty slim. Then, again, what if our kids become best friends? What if they get married one day? My kid’s wedding becomes the sequel to Chinatown that no one wanted: My grandson. My son. My grandson. My son. I’m The Grandma AND The Mother!

Suddenly, mid-spiral into a complete breakdown, I hear it. The sweet comforting sound of my child screaming: “No. That’s mine. You’re never gonna’ be my friend.”

Before a shouting or shoving match could begin, I give Johnny’s* dad a shoulder shrug and a look. Then, I collect my child and pack up to head home.

We talk about kindness on the walk home, with a gentle reminder that it’s okay to ask Mom for help and to say my name (Mom), loudly, with your biggest outside voice any time we’re at the playground.

How to Handle Being Mistaken for Grandma (when you’re actually the Mom)

Playground misunderstandings happen. For an advanced maternal, there are (at least) three ways to handle this situation. Today, as a public service announcement, we’ll focus on the three pieces of practical parenting advice I’ve found most effective, which also happen to be the three that won’t get you and your offspring banned from the playground.

Option 1: Prevention

Channel your extroversion skills and go on the offense. Introduce yourself first, explicitly, as the parent. Who cares if you raise a few eyebrows?

Take this one step further, follow Alanis Morisette’s lead (celebrity late bloomer parent), and talk about your kids and mention their ages when you meet people off the playground, too.

If you’re like me, it can feel weird, at first, to talk about your children, especially when your public identity may have been that of a childless workaholic B.K. (Before Kid). There’s no need to go overboard. Be true to yourself. And know as you become more comfortable talking about your status as a parent, even with those who know your age or can guess that you’re in your 30s or 40s, the world around us is becoming more comfortable with the idea that people are having children later in life.

Option 2: Take the High Road

Use grace and humor when you correct someone. After all, if my mental math is accurate, I am technically old enough to be someone’s grandma.

Be intentional and don’t make the same mistake when you meet families. Exercise caution with labels. Try asking “which one is yours?” if the playground is crowded. Or simply don’t worry about it. If a stranger doesn’t want to tell you about their connection to a child, because it might fester an open wound about being a divorced dad who only sees their child part-time on the weekend, just say hello and talk about the weather.

Option 3: Wear Merch

Pro tip for fellow travelers on this advanced maternal road: wear your title (literally) on your sleeve. Or your chest. Or your head. A baseball cap that reads “Mom” or a t-shirt that says “Mama” can go a long way in preventing awkward situations on the playground or at the grocery store. You never knew that “Mom, established 2022” shirt from your sister-in-law would be so handy.

Onward to the Next Playground

Being mistaken for your own child’s grandparent hurts. The first time it happened to me, I felt rage and almost cried. It brought up a lot of emotions. Memories about infertility treatments. Personal insecurities about my appearance—my crow’s feet, my hair color, my body image.

Then, when it happened again, I realized that this is all part of parenting at what some call an advanced age. I know the person who asked me if I’m my child’s grandparent didn’t mean to hurt me. I also know that person probably would never ask my husband–who is actually older than me–the same question (rage bubbling up again, here we go).

The world is changing, and, whether we like it or not, our generation-skipping families are part of that change.

Believe it or not, I’ve been mistaken for my child’s grandparent on at least two dozen occasions. The worst was when Santa Claus (!) straight up asked me: “Are you The Mom or The Grandma?”

I dug deep, smiled at my terrified toddler, and proudly and politely said: “I’m the Mom.”

“These days, you can never tell,” replied Santa.

So, following my own parenting advice, I’ll be prepared to tell them.

Let me know how you handle these situations in the comments. You’re doing a great job, parents.

*Playground chronicles are true stories, with the names and places changed or redacted to protect the not-so-innocent.