Why baby proof your home when you can armor your baby?
Pregnant at 39? You didn’t climb the corporate ladder and curate a West Elm-worthy home just to live in a foam-padded college dorm. Why should YOU adapt when clearly the baby should learn to navigate your investment pieces?
Introducing the BABY-ARMOR™ Executive Infant Protection System. As seen in Anxious Parent Weekly, this premium house-proofing technology for discerning late-bloomer parents allows you to maintain the lifestyle you’ve earned while your little investment learns to navigate the real world like the successful adult they’ll hopefully become.
Also, honestly? We’re too old to be crawling around installing 47 cabinet locks.
Patent Pending Features:
- Protects your grandmother’s china and your sanity
- Monthly safety reports (because we love spreadsheets)
- Integration with your existing productivity apps
- Automated incident documentation for your pediatrician
- Recognizes the difference between “good” and “grocery store” wine
Testimonials from Fellow “Geriatric Millennials”
“I had my first at 42. This system saved my Restoration Hardware dining table and my last remaining shred of dignity.” – Sarah, Management Consultant
“At 39, I refuse to live in a padded cell just because I procreated. Baby-Armor™ gets it.” – Michelle, Marketing Director
Pricing for the Financially Responsible
$2,999 (Less than what you spent on your last vacation)
Payment Options:
- Full payment (one and done)
- 12-month plan at $249/month (lower than daycare)
- HSA/FSA eligible (it’s practically medical equipment)
BONUS: Order now and get the “Toddler Upgrade Package” free – because let’s be honest, it only gets worse from here.
Increase your ability to finish adult conversations by 156%!
Questions? Call our Technical Assistance Hotline, staffed by actual parents over 35, who understand phrases like “investment pieces” and “quarterly projections.” 30-day money back guarantee (baby not included).
Fine Print
Patent-pending Baby-Armor™ is not responsible for: side-eye from younger parents or questions about “why you waited so long.” Clinical studies conducted on babies of parents over 35 who have their sh*t together. Results may vary. Not suitable for babies who already show signs of being smarter than you. Professional white-glove installation included because we value our time.
For entertainment purposes only. Please don’t actually armor your baby.
Join us Fridays for a smile break at the end of your week: the Advance Maternal: Quick Wit series. Start your weekend off right with a little levity.