Welcome to Baby Names 101, one of the most popular classes offered at this institution and the only baby naming class where failure isn’t measured in grades—it’s measured in middle school therapy bills.”
An important clarification: This is not a list of potential baby names, their country of origin, meaning, or popularity by birth year. There’s plenty of that on the interwebs if you need that.
Nor is this a hilarious take on that concept like 36 Rhinestone Cowboy Baby Names with Edgy Western Vibes from Scary Mommy—though we deeply admire their work.
No, we’re here to help you understand the applied science of baby naming. You see it’s both an art and a science.
Baby Names 101 (Because Choosing a Baby Name is Kind of Intimidating)
Here’s the thing about mom brain (the effect of all those hormones on your neural pathways), an otherwise sharp, quick wit can easily be bested. You have a great excuse.
You’re growing a human. And if you’re in your 30s or 40s. Well, have you heard? You’re a scientific marvel. What an absolute miracle to have a “geriatric pregnancy.”
Seriously, you’re doing great. You’re beating the odds. You’re excelling. You’re preparing for a new baby, and choosing the perfect baby name is, well, kind of intimidating.
Our introductory course has two main objectives:
- Risk mitigation
- Audio-visual-ization
Lessons are self-paced. We don’t believe in quizzes, and we don’t have time to grade papers.
Your final exam will be evaluated on the honor system. By the time your kiddo is in middle school, you’ll know if you’ve passed or failed.
Lesson 1: Risk Mitigation (A Smart Way to Test a Baby Name)
This lesson includes two exercises and one truth.
We’ll start with honesty. No one in your life will speak up and stop you from naming your baby something crazy. And even if they did, say, question your plan to pay tribute to Pee Wee Herman or Ferris Bueller (Anyone? Anyone?) with their firstborn grandchild, you wouldn’t listen.
Luckily, there are two simple exercises you can do while planning your baby’s name that will help mitigate the risk of a lifetime of embarrassment in your offspring.
Naming a human is a pretty awesome power. That we are expected to do this while high on pregnancy hormones is proof of the universe’s sick sense of humor. We know this is daunting, and we’re here to support you.
Exercise #1a: How to Test Your Baby Names Before You Commit (The Bart Simpson Test)
Take a sheet of paper and a writing utensil (your partner can do this too). Set a timer for ten minutes, twenty if you’re still weighing more than two options for the name.
Write your name ideas at the top of the page, in all their versions:
- full name
- full name, without the middle name
- with middle initial
- possible nicknames and so on
Now, give it the Bart Simpson test.
If you can turn any version of your possible baby name into a Bart Simpson crank phone call—Is Seymour there? Seymour who? Seymour Butts.—take it off the list.
Should the Bart Simpson treatment eliminate all your best ideas, head back to the drawing board. Maybe check out Rhinestone Cowboy Baby Names for inspiration after all.
Exercise #1b: Baby Name Background Checks (Why Your Google is Your Friend)
Because your mom brain may play tricks on you, we recommend conducting a semi-thorough background search on all your potential names.
What are we screening for? Well, it’s possible you heard a name and liked it, but don’t remember where or why. We want to make sure you aren’t inadvertently attempting to name your child after:
- a dead dictator you learned about on a podcast
- a celebrity who fell from grace (you followed their trial but can’t remember if they were convicted)
- or a serial killer’s real name, not the moniker the FBI gave them, that you must have absorbed from a Netflix series
A quick Google search should catch any pre-existing issues. Of course, you can’t prevent the future. If your child’s name happens to be shared by a corrupt politician 30 years from now, you’re not to blame.
Gently remind your kiddo they can always rebrand (a la J. Lo.) or head to a courthouse to legally change their name in the event that a future scandal associated with their name really doesn’t subside.
Midterms
Take a study break and treat yourself to a hot-but-not-too-hot bubble bath. You’ve earned it. Watch a couple of episodes of The Simpsons. Consider naming the child Lisa.
Only one lesson to go.
Lesson#2: Audio-Visual-ization (Baby Name Mistakes to Avoid)
Don’t worry if you weren’t in the A. V. Club in school. The coursework is pretty simple, and you can phone a friend. No, seriously. We want you to enlist some expert help.
The first exercise is auditory. How will the name sound? How high is the probability of mispronunciation?
Important caveat: If you are naming your child with a name in a language other than English, we don’t mean to imply that you should change your plans just because someone whose first (and likely only) language is English might mispronounce it. You don’t need to change. They do. Okay, digression over.
The Audio-Visual Baby Name Test Every Parent Needs
Now let’s get to the audio test.
- How does the name flow when you say it out loud?
- Imagine the name winning an award, how will it sound in an announcer’s mouth?
- What about when your wonderful, amazing, perfect offspring does something (gasp!) wrong? Practice yelling it with a tone of disappointment. Like it? Good.
Your homework—find an old person. And we mean someone who actually qualifies for actual geriatric medical care. Give them a slip of paper with the name and ask them to read it out loud to you.
If they botch it the first time, that’s not a deal breaker.
Verbally provide pronunciation cues and have them try again. Not quite, but close enough? Okay, you can keep that name in the running.
Why ask a senior citizen in the wild for help?
Well, global demographic shifts mean your child will be, like, one of ten young people on a planet overrun with aging people, who are expected to live even longer. You’re testing the waters to see what your kiddo’s future will be like in a silver tsunami.
Now, let’s do the visual test.
Got an old name tag lying around from a previous job? Very scientifically … print your possible name on a label (or simply handwrite it legibly on masking tape) and mock up your kid’s name tag for a future teen summer job.
Now, here’s the hard part. Channel your inner imaginary bully when you look at the name tag. Are there any obvious mean-spirited jokes springing to mind?
If you can’t do this, we understand, and we encourage you to phone a friend. You’ll have to be diplomatic as you go about this. No one wants to be praised for their bullying attitude. Just mention that you need their help and their “big sister energy” as you’re considering baby names.
Final Exam: How to Choose a Baby Name
As the semester winds down, let’s run through our checklist one more time:
✅ Bart Simpson test passed? Check.
✅ Background check clean? Check.
✅ Befriended a senior citizen? Check.
✅ Future summer teen job visualized? Check.
Congratulations. You’ve successfully completed Baby Names 101.
Remember, you’ll be on the honor system to report back if you passed or failed, around the time your child enters middle school. And whatever name you choose, your child will know that they are loved. Of course, your kid will probably still blame you anyway, because that’s what kids do.