Editor’s note: This mini-post about how new parents in their 40s and how parenting affects intimacy is best read aloud, if you can. Bonus points if you bravely perform the scene from your cubicle.
Two Exhausted Late-in-Life Parents Attempt Intimacy
After a day of emergency diaper changes, negotiating with a toddler who insisted peas were “too spicy,” and finding mashed banana in places no banana should ever be, bedtime has finally arrived.
The scene: it’s 9:15 pm on a rainy Tuesday night, and you’re lying in bed next to your spouse, sporting thread-bare pajama shorts from Costco and a soft, but stained, Hanes t-shirt. A baby monitor glows in the corner, while a plastic dinosaur somehow made its way under your pillow.
Spouse: “Did you want to read?”
Me: “No.”
Spouse (turning off the light): “Did you want to talk?”
Me: “Um, no.”
A phone buzzes with a notification from the child care center app. Both of us stare at it for three full seconds. Then, ignore it.
Spouse (in their most seductive voice): “Did you want to get a solid 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep?”
Me: “Mmmmmm. Sounds tempting.”
Spouse (still sultry, now hopeful): “Did you want to…?”
Me (still in a sleepy voice): “Are you trying to make a move, babe?”
Spouse: (in their best Yoda voice): “Fornicate, you want?”
Me: [uncontrollable giggles]
My grandmother always said: find someone who makes you laugh.
Reader, I did.
Join us Fridays for a smile break at the end of your week: the Advance Maternal: Quick Wit series. Start your weekend off right with a little levity.
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