Do you feel like there are no words? You’re not alone. Knowing what to say to someone who has had a miscarriage—and, more importantly, what not to say—isn’t always clear.
Real talk: conversations about fertility and pregnancy loss are hard. They’re emotional. Sometimes awkward. Often painful. Today, we’re going to talk about what to say to comfort someone who has had a miscarriage—and how to be there for someone going through it.
And just a note: If this isn’t what you need or want to read today, please take care of yourself and come back another time. We’ll be here.
Also, as always, I’m not a medical or mental health professional. I’m just someone who’s been there, and who wants to help make these conversations a little less isolating.
Why Miscarriage Feels So Hard to Talk About
Despite how common it is, miscarriage is rarely talked about openly.
In the United States, according to the National Institutes of Health, it’s estimated that between 15 and 20% of clinically recognized pregnancies end in miscarriage. Some researchers believe the number is even higher—up to 30%—since many miscarriages happen before someone even knows they’re pregnant. That means there could be more than a million miscarriages in the U.S. each year.
So why don’t we hear more about it?
Cue a soft, acoustic version of “We Don’t Talk About Bruno,” and sing with me: “We don’t talk about miscarriage, no, no…”
(If you’re new to my dark sense of humor, hi. Welcome. You might want to check out this and this for context.)
What Is a Miscarriage, Exactly?
According to the March of Dimes:
- “Miscarriage (also called early pregnancy loss) is pregnancy loss that happens before 20 weeks.
- We don’t know all the causes of miscarriage, but chromosome problems are often to blame.
- It can take a few weeks to a month or more for your body to recover from a miscarriage. It may take longer to recover emotionally.”
And what about those of us who fall into the “advanced maternal age” category? If you guessed we’re treated like fragile antique vases with dusty ovaries and a countdown clock strapped to our backs—congrats, you win.
Yes, the risk of miscarriage does increase with age. And yes, the experience can be incredibly lonely.
My Story (And Why I’m Talking About It Now)
I try to bring humor to heavy things because that’s what helped me get through them.
I’m part of the larger-than-you-might-think percentage of people who have experienced miscarriage—once in my younger years, and again as a so-called “geriatric” (yep, that’s what they call pregnancies over 35… charming, right?).
I didn’t talk about it. Not with my partner. Not with my friends. Most of them didn’t talk about it either. And when I was going through fertility treatments—many of which were painful, expensive, and anxiety-inducing—I was emotionally exhausted.
I only began to open up after carrying a pregnancy to term. The emotional weight of miscarriage eased for me with time and parenting. For others, it lingers—whether they have children or not.
If you’re someone who hasn’t experienced miscarriage but someone you care about has, you might find yourself wondering what to say.
Let’s talk about that.
What to Say to Comfort Someone Who Has Had a Miscarriage
You don’t have to find the perfect words. You just have to show up with empathy. Here are four ways I’ve found helpful when someone you love opens up about their miscarriage:
1. Listen (Really Listen)
This may be obvious, but it’s not really about what you say. When someone tells you they’ve had a miscarriage, let them lead the conversation. Listen. Like, a lot. Actually try to say very little. Resist the urge to fill the silence or fix the situation.
Say: “I’m here to listen.”
2. Paraphrase and Acknowledge
One of the most supportive things you can do is simply reflect what you’re hearing—without judgment or assumptions. . In other words, listen, pause, and then, without repeating what you heard verbatim, summarize back what you heard. Don’t presume your friend is grieving in any particular way. Some feel deep sadness. Others feel confusion, anger, numbness, or even relief.
Say: “What I’m hearing is…”
Say: “That must feel so…” (overwhelming / heavy / complicated—whatever you sense they’re feeling)
3. Offer Genuine, Specific Support
As you’re learning more about what your friend needs, if you’re able to, offer genuine and concrete support. Then, follow through on what you said you’d do and DO IT. The more specific and concrete you can be in your offer of support, the better. Instead of the generic “Let me know if you need anything,” offer something concrete—and follow through. Support can be practical, emotional, or creative.
Say: “Can I bring over a coffee cake and just sit with you for a bit?”
Say: “Can I send you a Spotify playlist for resting / crying / yelling at the universe?”
4. Keep Their Confidence
If someone trusts you with this story—whether it happened yesterday or ten years ago—respect that trust. It’s their story, not yours to tell.
Say: “Thank you for sharing this with me.”
Then keep it private.
What Not to Say to Someone Who Has Had a Miscarriage
Even well-meaning people can say the wrong things in difficult moments. Here are a few to avoid:
Don’t Make It About You
It can be tempting to think that now is the perfect moment to share that you’ve also been through it, right? Wrong. Don’t make this about yourself. Yes, you may have had a miscarriage too. But unless your friend asks about your experience, keep the focus on them. Your story might help—later. Right now, just listen.
Don’t Ask Why They Didn’t Tell You
You might be thinking: “Why didn’t they tell me? I didn’t even know they were pregnant?” Keep those thoughts to yourself. They may not have known. Or they didn’t want to share. Or they were scared. Or, theirs was labeled a “geriatric pregnancy.” Or society told them not to. None of that matters right now. Just be there.
Don’t Ask for Details
Don’t ask probing questions about what happened. They’ll share what they want to share. You don’t need to know how far along they were or what happened. Curiosity doesn’t equal care. You don’t need to know the details about what happened to be supportive.
Don’t Ask About Future Plans
Please, don’t ask if they are planning to “try again.” That’s not helpful. It puts pressure on someone who may still be grieving. You don’t want to be grouped with their nosy aunt who asks them every holiday “when they are going to finally have kids.” Just don’t ask. If they want to talk about the future, they will.
Hallmark Doesn’t Make a Card for This
And why the hell not, Hallmark?
We’ve got cards for pet birthdays and new jobs and retirement from pickleball. But nothing for miscarriage? Come on.
If you’re struggling to find the right words to say to a friend who had a miscarriage, just start there. It’s okay to say:
“I don’t know what to say, but I’m here for you.”
Or text:
“I’m thinking of you. (No need to reply.)”
You Don’t Have to Say Much to Make a Big Difference
Odds are, someone in your life—right now—is carrying the emotional weight of a miscarriage, whether you know it or not. Don’t pry. Just be there. Be kind. Be quiet when needed.
If this helped you figure out what to say to someone who has had a miscarriage, consider sharing it. The more we talk about miscarriage, the less alone someone might feel.
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